Are You the Toxic One? How to Identify Toxic Behavior in Yourself and Others

Cutting off toxic people has been a trending topic in the past years. A less common question is: how do you identify toxic people? Better yet, what if you’re the toxic one?

A toxic person is someone whose behavior causes harm, stress, or negativity to those around them. This can be rooted in trauma, upbringing, or even personality disorders like Narcissistic, Bipolar, or Borderline.

Have you asked yourself the same questions? If yes, keep reading to find out what toxic behavior to watch out for in yourself or others, and how to deal with it.

No Accountability

The most common toxic behavior is not taking accountability. Such people go through life pointing fingers and casting judgment, in relationships or even at work, but refuse to take ownership of their actions. It’s easier to play the victim and continue their behavior without changing anything about themselves.

Why? Because doing so means admitting they make mistakes, and that goes against their internal beliefs that they are superior. This is especially true for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Lack of Self-Awareness

In a toxic person’s world, they’re in the center stage, and everything is about them.

They’re so focused on their desires, beliefs, and values, that their shortcomings and issues become their blindspot. They’re used to navigating through life without pausing to reflect on themselves.

Ignoring Boundaries

Refusing to respect boundaries is another trait of toxic people. In their perception, boundaries are an obstacle and a nuisance.

Individuals with high emotional intelligence can empathize with why someone chooses to have certain boundaries in place. But toxic people have no interest in it, because it actively interferes with their plans and needs.

Inconsistency

Inconsistent behavior is a subtle symptom of toxicity that is often overlooked.

One day, such a person might be punctual, reliable, and seemingly empathic, and other days they might ignore your calls, forget about commitments, or show complete disregard for your needs.

This erratic behavior is confusing and hurtful. It’s difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with such a friend, co-worker, or partner, as with time it slowly erodes your trust.

Stealing the Spotlight

Everybody likes attention now and then. However individuals with personality disorders thrive in the spotlight.

Oftentimes, they’ll do anything to get attention, whether it’s victimizing themselves, lying, or manipulating people.

No Reciprocity

Some people are persistent and demanding when it comes to their needs. Maybe they need a hand with a project or fixing their car, or arranging an event like a birthday party.

But when it comes to returning the favor, they are suddenly nowhere to be found, or readily offering excuses no matter the occasion.

If this is the case, it’s time to review the scales and question whether this is a connection you want to keep, as nobody likes feeling used.

Selfishness

Combined with the lack of self-awareness, toxic people are only preoccupied with their own needs. They can do things like insist on a concert and leave you to pay for everyone, or ditch you on a trip abroad in favor of an exciting date, without considering feelings, etiquette, or consequences. They only care about having their fun.

When called out, they tend to act defensively, shift the blame to other people, or even guilt-trip you to reverse the situation.

Lack of Empathy

When someone lacks empathy, it means they have difficulty understanding other people’s emotional needs or experiences. They might understand on a rational level. But they can’t empathize with the emotional turmoil other people go through.

This can look like someone who can’t offer support or warmth to their friend who just broke up, or a manager who refuses to make exceptions for his employees who suddenly struggle with their tasks.

Manipulative Behavior

From gaslighting, lying, passive-aggressive remarks, or emotional blackmail, manipulative behavior can be very damaging to relationships.

If you’ve been told, it’s all in your head, you’re acting crazy, you’ve been gaslighted. If someone used fear, obligation, and guilt to pressure you into doing a favor for them, that’s emotional blackmail.

These actions leave people feeling used, drained, and disrespected – and ultimately, they start walking away, for good reason.

Drama Follows

With toxic people, drama seems to follow no matter where they go – whether it’s drama at the office, an argument on the group chat, or spreading gossip left and right. 

They’re the people most often claiming they hate drama, yet they take no responsibility for creating it.

How to Deal with Toxic People

There are several ways to deal with toxic people around you.

Depending on your circumstances, you can start by confronting them, setting boundaries, and managing your reactions and emotions, as you can only control yourself. You can also minimize spent time with them or choose no contact altogether.

Last but not least, don’t be afraid to ask friends or family for support, or even consult a therapist for further guidance.

How to Deal with Your Toxic Habits

Can you relate to any traits mentioned previously? If so, don’t fret.

There are ways to improve your habits, reactions, and behavior. That way you can enjoy healthier and happier relationships, and avoid making the same mistakes that push people away.

Introspection is the first step. Continue by being more empathic, respecting other people’s boundaries, and showing support and consideration. You can also honor your commitments, and stop trying to control or compete with others.

Ultimately, people will see that you’re trying to better yourself, and will appreciate it accordingly.