14 Hilarious Things Texans Say and Do That Will Make You Scratch Your Head

Texas is known for many things, some good and some not-so-good. As a native Texan and resident of the capital city, I have a love/hate relationship with the Lone Star State. 

What I love most about this massive state is the melting pot of people who live here and would give you the shirt off their backs if you needed it, as well as the vast, open spaces where you can stargaze until the cows come home. Secondly, I love our weird colloquialisms that are uniquely Texan. Many of these can be heard throughout most of the southern states; however, in Texas, they could mean something slightly different or with just a smidge of sarcasm. 

These 14 items will make you laugh and leave you scratching your head because you can’t possibly understand unless you were born here or have had the pleasure of visiting. 

1. “I’ll Have a Coke, Please”

In Texas, we don’t call carbonated beverages soda or pop. It’s all just called Coke. I know, we’re weird. So if you order a Coke in a restaurant, the server will ask you, “What kind?” because this could mean Sprite, Dr. Pepper (the preferred soda in Texas), Pepsi, or Root Beer. 

I also recommend clarifying whether you want sweet or unsweet iced tea because if you don’t, you will most likely receive sweet tea. It’s just what we do here. 

2. All Hat, No Cattle

Texans are known for their confidence, can-do bravado, and strong state pride. However, numerous phrases describe a Texan with an ego too big for even a ten-gallon hat. 

For instance, saying someone is “all hat, no cattle” is akin to calling them “all broth and no beans” or saying they “can strut sittin’ down.” For those unfamiliar, these expressions are Texan equivalents of “all bark and no bite.”

3. Fixin’ To

There’s nothing like hearing your grandpa or grandma tell you they’re “fixin’ to” do something. That could mean anything from planting a garden or taking a bath. Either way, they’re not going to do it; they’re fixin’ to do it, so no need worrying your pretty little head about it. 

Be sure not to confuse this saying with “fixins,” which are side dishes or condiments, such as someone asking for a burger “with all the fixins.” 

4. Buc-ee’s Pit Stop

If you’ve ever driven through Texas, you’ve most likely seen the state’s unofficial mascot, the Buc-ee’s Beaver, at every Texan’s favorite gas station. Buc-ee’s is different from your typical everyday gas station, though.

It’s a mini department store, restaurant, and grocer with the absolute cleanest restrooms. You can gas your car up, buy a cooler, a grill, and a bathing suit, get a delicious chopped beef BBQ sandwich, sample melt-in-your-mouth fudge, and never, ever forget the Beaver Nuggets and their jerky. 

5. Come Hell or High Water

One of my favorite Texas idioms is “Come hell or high water.” You show determination and commitment to making something happen when you say this. “I’ll get you to the airport by noon, come hell or high water!” 

Although this saying might not be strictly Texan, as it is rumored to have origins in either Iowa or Arkansas, it’s commonly used in the Lone Star state and throughout the South.

6. Madder Than a Wet Hen

The first time I recall hearing the phrase “madder than a wet hen,” I must have been about four or five years old. My mother used it to describe another woman who was upset about something. The details elude me now. However, I often heard many other family members throughout the coastal South using the exact phrase. 

Hens can get downright ornery when it comes to incubating their eggs, so Southern farmers had the bright idea to dunk their hens in cold water to break them of this broodiness. Naturally, the hens didn’t appreciate this and often squawked and fought. Thus, when someone is furious, they’re madder than a wet hen. 

7. H-E-B

H-E-B is the greatest grocery store ever, and if you don’t live in Texas, you are one of the unfortunate ones. I’ve had friends from out-of-state visits, and we’ve popped into my local store, and they were blown away. This is most likely because there is a tortilla-making station that is pretty much the focal point of the store when you walk in. 

The Texas chain has humble beginnings but has grown into a multi-billion dollar corporation that gives back to the community. It should be put in charge of all emergencies because it has successfully demonstrated how to manage and serve the public during all of the state’s natural disasters and the pandemic. 

8. Bless Your Heart

“Bless your heart” is a phrase familiar to many Southerners, but its meaning hinges on context and inflection in Texas. It can express genuine sympathy, akin to saying, “I’m sorry to hear that.”

However, it’s often said as a condescending, two-faced insult. For instance, if a Texan encounters someone rude, boastful, or lacking common sense, a slow head shake and a “Bless your heart” might be their response.

9. Corn-Fed

Someone being described as being “corn-fed” doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with actual corn. It’s how Texans and most Southerners, in general, refer to “corn-eatin'” horses or “corn-fed” boys, which tend to mean the person or animal referred to is really big. We often refer to tall, muscular, broad-shouldered men this way. 

10. Panhandle Rain

Texans often joke that our state has four seasons: drought, flood, blizzard, and twister. These conditions can shift rapidly, and given Texas’s vast and diverse environments, the weather can be scary and unforgiving.

As a result, weather is a frequent topic of conversation and a source of local slang. For example, “Panhandle rain” refers to a dust storm, a common occurrence in the Panhandle and the high, flat plains in the northwest part of the state. It’s common for you to hear someone call a torrential downpour a toad-choker. Don’t ask me why. 

11. That’s A Whole’ Nuther Can o’ Worms

Similar to “might could,” the Texas phrase “whole ‘nuther”—pronounced “hole-nuther”—is an example of slang being longer than the word it replaces.

We often use “whole ‘nuther” instead of “another,” as in the phrase “That’s a whole ‘nuther can o’ worms,” referring to a tangent or a completely different topic. Hearing this in conversation usually means that you need to return to the main subject.

12. Not Plum But Pert Near

“Not plum but pert near” is a vivid and phonetic way to say things aren’t perfect but are close enough to be workable. If someone asks how you’re doing, you can reply with “fair to midlin’,” which is the equivalent of “not plum but pert near.” Both expressions mean that while everything may not be ideal, it’s still good enough to get by.

13. Czech Kolaches

When Czech immigrants settled in Texas in the 1800s, they brought along their beloved recipes. One in particular, kolaches, “took Texas by storm,” as NPR puts it, and has stood the test of time.

Texans absolutely love the delicious doughy pastries filled with various ingredients, such as fruits, cheese, sausages, and jalapeños, and will often plan certain trips around which kolache stops we can make along the way. I’m a fan of the Czech stop in West, TX (actual town name, not a direction). Kolaches are now a staple in bakeries and stores across the state.

14. Highest Speed Limit in the US

Everything might be bigger in Texas, but it’s also faster than anywhere else. State Highway 130 is a 91-mile stretch connecting San Antonio to north of Georgetown, Texas. Its top speed limit is 85 miles per hour, making it the highest rate of speed found anywhere in the United States. 

This stretch isn’t for the faint of heart or slow drivers. You buckle up, keep up, or get out of the way because big trucks on a mission are coming through.