23 Disastrous 1980s Movies We’re All Trying to Forget
Movies were never bigger than they were in the 1980s.
Action heroes such as Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone had big muscles. Steven Spielberg’s films invoked big emotions. Broad comedies such as Airplane! and Police Academy got big laughs.
And when movies missed, they missed big time. Some of these movies made money and some entertain connoisseurs of off-beat cinema. But today, most movie fans remember these titles just for lists such as these.
1. The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)
On one hand, the Garbage Pail Kids exist to offend. Co-created by indie comix great Art Spiegelman, the Garbage Pail Kids trading cards line parodied the cute Cabbage Patch Kids by getting as gross as possible.
Even with that in mind, the film adaptation The Garbage Pal Kids Movie upsets on every level. The nonsense plot and cheap special effects churn the stomach even more than the filmmakers intended.
2. Tarzan the Ape Man (1981)
It takes a lot to get Tarzan down. Despite the racist overtones of the original novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs, the pulp hero Tarzan endures with the promise of jungle adventure.
While the first Tarzan films showed off remarkable cinematography, Tarzan the Ape Man director just seems interested in showing off his wife Bo Derek. Bo does fine as Jane — at least the best she can against the cardboard Miles O’Keefe as Tarzan. But the leering camera and lackluster production make Tarzan the Ape Man a creepy, dull, non-adventure.
3. Santa Claus (1985)
Hoping to repeat the mega-success he enjoyed with Superman in 1978, producer Ilya Salkind decided to make a blockbuster about another legendary figure, Santa Claus.
Teaming with Superman screenwriters David Newman and Leslie Newman, but subbing out Richard Donner for Jeannot Szwarc, Santa Claus is all flash and no heart. Salkind and co-producer Pierre Spengler go for style over substance, making a garish, soulless movie, which drowns out even David Huddleston’s fine performance as Old Saint Nick.
4. Mac and Me (1988)
To the surprise of no one, Mac and Me comes from producer/advertising executive R. J. Louis, who saw what E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial did for Reese’s Pieces and wanted the same for Coke and McDonald’s.
And so director Stewart Raffill, who co-wrote the movie with Steve Feke, put together the story of a kid (Jade Calegory) bonding with a horrid-looking alien lost on Earth. Instead of the genuine bond that Steven Spielberg found in E.T., however, Raffill just manages to sell burgers and soda.
5. Leonard Part 6 (1987)
Look, there are a lot of reasons that people want to forget the popularity of Bill Cosby in the 1980s. But even before Cosby’s misdeeds became public knowledge, Leonard Part 6 was an embarrassment.
The bad ideas begin with the title, which suggests that it continues the stories that began in Leonard Parts 1-5. No such movies exist and, after director Paul Weiland and screenwriter Jonathan Reynolds finished telling their unfunny tale, Leonard Part 7 didn’t exist either.
6. Superman III (1983)
Superman and Richard Pryor were two of the biggest names in 20th-century American culture. So what could go wrong by bringing them together?
Turns out, everything. Superman III goes hard into the corny humor hinted at in the first two movies, bringing back comedy director Richard Lester, who finished Superman II after the firing of Richard Donner. Without a solid skeleton from Donner, Lester gets the tone wrong in every way, clashing corny jokes with terrifying scenes, including an infamous moment in which a woman gets turned into a robot.
7. The Clan of the Cave Bear (1986)
The Clan of the Cave Bear sounds interesting in theory. Based on the novel by Jean M. Auel, The Clan of the Cave Bear stars Daryl Hannah as a Cro-Magnon who joins a group of Neanderthals.
But despite direction from great cinematographer Michael Chapman and a screenplay from the always-interesting John Sayles, Hannah just doesn’t give enough of a compelling physical performance to make the almost dialogue-free movie worth watching.
8. Sheena (1984)
The first female hero to carry her own comic book, Sheena, the Queen of the Jungle, has a surprising history for a basic jungle girl character. It’s that history that attracted the attention of screenwriters David Newman and Lorenzo Semple Jr., who worked on 1977’s Superman and 1966’s Batman, respectively.
Even an unimportant character deserves a better movie outing than Sheena. Director John Guillermin gets some fantastic nature imagery, thanks to the production shooing in Kenya. But in addition to some racist elements, Sheena puts a wooden Tanya Roberts in the lead.
9. Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983)
Few movies deserve a sequel less than Porky’s, the raunchy teen comedy about guys trying to get with girls. But when that movie made a ton of money, director Bob Clark (who also made A Christmas Story) came back to check back in on the guys in Porky’s II: The Next Day… minus Chuck Mitchell as the titular Porky.
Clark and his team of screenwriters try to give the heroes something more to do, complete with a Shakespeare festival and a run-in with racist terrorists. But the entire film misjudges the audience’s interest in the central characters, and even Porky’s fans get bored right away.
10. The Blue Lagoon (1980)
Every year, The Blue Lagoon looks worse and worse. Based on the novel by Henry De Vere Stacpoole, The Blue Lagoon presents itself as a unique coming-of-age tale, about two cousins (Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins) who grow up abandoned on a desert island.
However, director Randal Kleiser and screenwriter Douglas Day Stewart focus on the icky aspects of the story, with far too many leering looks at the under-age actors.
11. Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
Anyone with a brain knew not to think too hard about the terrible fate of the Brody family, whose bad experiences with sharks extended beyond the Spielberg classic Jaws and continued to more movies.
But Jaws: The Revenge decided to make the family’s curse explicit. After the other Brodys have died, mother Ellen (Lorraine Gary) must face off against the mama shark, who has been hunting the family since Chief Brody killed the great white in the first film. Yes, really.
12. Staying Alive (1983)
Film fans love to point out that, despite its cultural footprint, Saturday Night Fever is in fact a depressing movie. No one makes the same mistake about its sequel Staying Alive.
John Travolta comes back as Tony Manero, who continues trying to make his way as a dancer. Sylvester Stallone steps behind the camera to direct a script he co-wrote with Norman Wexler. But Stallone seems to have forgotten everything he knew about gritty underdog tales, which he knew when he made Rocky.
13. Supergirl (1984)
Although plenty of great stories about the character have been told over time, Supergirl came into existence because DC Comics wanted to expand the appeal of its most popular hero. The same is true of the 1984 Supergirl, which stars Helen Slater as Clark Kent’s cousin, who comes to Earth some years after he landed in Kansas.
In its best moments, Supergirl offers glossy production and a hammy bad guy take from Faye Dunaway. But most of Supergirl plays like a poor copy of the Superman films, thanks to terrible direction from Jeannot Szwarc.
14. DeepStar Six (1989)
It’s hard to question Sean S. Cunningham’s instincts as a producer. After all, the guy who turned the obvious Halloween knock-off Friday the 13th into a box office steamroller. As a director, Cunningham leaves a lot to be desired.
While the forest setting of Friday the 13th covered a lot of Cunningham’s shortcomings, the underwater setting of DeepStar Six would challenge even a skillful filmmaker. The screenplay by Lewis Abernathy and Geof Miller has its moments, but none of DeepStar Six has the same pleasure as Cunningham’s low-budget efforts.
15. Caddyshack II (1988)
Caddyshack works because director Harold Ramis leaves room for his talented cast to riff, overpowering the supposed main story about teen caddie Danny Noonan (Michael O’Keefe).
So when Ramis, Rodney Dangerfield, and Bill Murray all declined to return for a sequel, leaving just Chevy Chase as the one person willing to come back, Caddyshack II should have been canceled. And yet, director Allan Arkush forges ahead, making a film that falls short of the first movie in every way.
16. Under the Cherry Moon (1986)
Prince never let fear of failure keep him from taking a big swing. Under the Cherry Moon, his follow-up to Purple Rain, fits both of those descriptions, as it is a big swing and a failure.
Working from a screenplay by Becky Johnston, Prince directs and stars in this story about a desperate man who hopes to ingratiate himself with an heiress (Kristen Scott Thomas). Under the Cherry Moon lacks the style of Purple Rain, making it a lesser entry in the artist’s career.
17. Xanadu (1980)
In fairness, Xanadu isn’t that much worse than any other over-stuffed musical of the era, such as The Apple or Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. It’s goofy, sure, but there’s a charm to director Robert Greenwald’s glitzy take on the Greek muses, starring Olivia Newton-John.
But Xanadu makes this list because it closes out the film career of Gene Kelly, a dancing legend who deserves a much better final film.
18. Hobgoblins (1988)
Like the aforementioned E.T., Gremlins launched a host of knock-offs. None of the knockoffs hold a candle to their inspiration, but they can be fun to watch for those who enjoy cheese.
Hobgoblins works only as a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode. On its own, writer and director Rick Sloane’s movie drags and disappoints in every way.
19. Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend (1985)
Almost a decade before America would go nuts for dinosaurs with Jurassic Park, Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend tried to beat Spielberg to heart-warming awe. Directed by Bill L. Norton and written by Clifford Green and Ellen Green, Baby stars William Katt and Sean Young as paleontologists who find a young brontosaurus.
And that’s about it. The movie can’t figure out anything else to do other than show the couple with the dino, and so after fifteen minutes, any interest audiences might have in Baby goes extinct.
20. Amityville II: The Possession (1982)
Given all of the mistruths and scams around the “real-world” incident at Long Island’s 112 Ocean Lane, The Amityville Horror never had much interest in respectability.
However, Amityville II: The Possession fails to clear even the first film’s low bar. Directed by Damiano Damiani and written by Tommy Lee Wallace and Dardano Sacchetti, Amityville II tells the story of murders that happened in the house before the characters in the first film came by. It does so in the most unpleasant way, including a pair of siblings who love one another way too much.
21. Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)
Despite retreating to safety after trying to shake up the franchise with Halloween III: Season of the Witch, Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers presented a solid slasher to rival the John Carpenter original.
Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers squanders all of that goodwill with a joke of a film. Director Dominique Othenin-Girard wastes the previous film’s cliffhanger and fills his film with terrible decisions, including cartoon sound effects and ludicrous leads.
22. King Kong Lives (1986)
To this day, movie fans cite 1933’s King Kong as one of the greatest films ever made. And while the 1976 remake had its problems, it at least created its own sense of grandeur.
The same cannot be said of the sequel King Kong Lives, written by Ronald Shusett and Steven Pressfield and helmed by Sheena director John Guillermin. King Kong Lives replaces wonder with a mean-spiritedness, lacking the beauty and immediacy of any other King Kong film.
23. Yor: The Hunter From the Future (1983)
Yor: The Hunter From the Future tried to adapt the Argentine comic book series Yor the Hunter for audiences still hungry for more sword and sandal adventures after Conan the Barbarian.
However, anyone who came to watch Yor: The Hunter From the Future found that star Reb Brown isn’t Arnold Schwarzenegger and director Antonio Margheriti, who wrote the screenplay with Robert Bailey, is no John Milius. Cheap and goofy in every way, not even the mightiest hunter could find something good to say about Yor.
